I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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