I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
