Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
