So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
