My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
