Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
