Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
