i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
