If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
