This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
