Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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