when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
