also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
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