dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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