im six kinds of drunk right now
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
