guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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