tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
