mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
