I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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