I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
