I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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