In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
