ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
