We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
