I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
