I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
they're like a gay fantastic four
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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