i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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