if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
