She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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