break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
