I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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