is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
