Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
