turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
