Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
