I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
