Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
