do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
