if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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