I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
