Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
