In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
