Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
