Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
