i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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