You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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