She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
