she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Randomize
