Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
