Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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