Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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