I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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