I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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