I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
