this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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