she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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