Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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