I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
